The evil, evil buffet at the gig

BillRayDrums

New member
So this AM I did a church gig and from there I drove to a casino about 20 minutes east. It's a really great gig. Short sets, great pay and you get a buffet meal. I'm not really one for the whole "feeding trough" thing that a buffet is, but hey it's free food.

As they say, as "No good deed goes unpunished", "There is no such thing as free". I found that out today.

Being that I really did not want to eat breakfast so as to indulge my buffet excursion later on I played the first set and with a very empty stomach, went into the buffet with great hopes of a plethora of tastes.

First stop- Man, that omlette bar looks goooooood!! Nice cheesy, juicy egg-contraption that holds mushrooms, ham, and did I mention that gooey, runny, oily cheese? Mmmmmmmm....

So when that was gone it was time for the next station- the meat carving station. "I'll have the beef". Yes, and three very large slices at that!!! Sooooo tender, succulent.

Round three, a small diversion- there's OATMEAL (I heart oatmeal...so much...It's like sushi, only diferent) so it's a nice cup of this mushlike substance that was at one time, oats. Now it's a pudding thing but that's OK!!! I'm so loving it.

Finish off with a cup of coffee and a piece of pie....not exactly the best brunch but hey, I'm fat & happy!!

So.... I take a walk to the car. Gonna get a can of diet coke (I ALWAYS bring my own....I know, strange). As I'm walking I feel a little bit of a wind comin' on. I "check my 6" and proceed to let slip what would be the final capper on such a satisfying meal.

The first indication was the small rumble in my stomach as I was gearing up to "lock & load". Seems that all that greasy food found it's way down the pipe faster than the substantive part of the meal. Yes friends, I SHARTED on the way to the van.

It's about 50 yards to the front of the casino, and there I am assessing every step as to how bad this is gonna be. Well, turns out it was a "warning shot" and that I was spared the embarrassment of having a pantload stewing in my drawers. (glad that didn't happen as I was playing)

So kids, the moral is to be very careful as to how you approach the buffet and/or any meal you shall receive GRATIS.. I normally eat really healthy and avoid overly greasy food but today...my constitution reached it's limit.

Now I know that many of you are laughing, and many of you are nodding your head as in "I've been there".

From here on out, I'm gonna throw an extra pair of jeans in the car for such emergencies.

:)
 

SuNoAnBuKi

New member
Oh man .. thats great, I almost woke my wife up from laughing so hard. Glad to hear it wasn't as bad as it could have been.
 

rufus4dagruv

New member
BillRayDrums":532qq7ah said:
From here on out, I'm gonna throw an extra pair of jeans in the car for such emergencies.

:)
As wise as you are, sensei, the true master never stops learning.

I love shart stories.
 

stump

New member
Oh the infamous Shart!! Being a cop and having all of these fine truck stop eateries available on the grave yard shift, well let's just say that I have had some close calls. I am very grateful for having the lights and sirens that have saved me embarassment and humilty when I have the sweats due to a clincher. You know...driving 100 mph with one leg straight, sweating and cussing while clinching your cheeks!! Yep been there done that. Oh...and I don't like buffets myself. All of those strangers blowing their germs on the food and handling it with hands that were probably just digging in their ass or nose. Nope ...not for me. Peace on ya and your shorts!! :lol:
 

SmellsLikeIan

New member
Yup. Been there. Once at the end of a song I had to tell the singer "time for a break" and quickly exit the stage. Fortunately it was close enough to the end of the set that it didn't matter. I think it must have gotten to the singer too, cuz she was right behind me. Bad barbecue at a fireman's Christmas party. I thought firemen knew how to BBQ.
 

Airborne Ranger

New member
I hear ya. I stay away from buffets as well, for all the reasons mentioned previously. While I was in Iraq, God only knows what we really eating, that food could withstand being out in 120 degree heat. Chocolate that would never melt (we even hit it with a flamethrower!), food that had been packed during the last Desert Storm, and bottled water of unknown origins.
 

Brother_Bong

New member
stump":2e7nz7m8 said:
Oh the imfamous Shart!! Being a cop and having all of these fine truck stop eateries available on the grave yard shift, well let's just say that I have had some close calls. I am very grateful for having the lights and sirens that have saved me embarassment and humilty when I have the sweats due to a clincher. You know...driving 100 mph with one leg straight, sweating and cussing while clinching your cheeks!! Yep been there done that. Oh...and I don't like buffets myself. All of those strangers blowing their germs on the food and handling it with hands that were probably just digging in their ass or nose. Nope ...not for me. Peace on ya and your shorts!! :lol:
And the whole time PRAYING a cop doesn't get behind me and pull me over so I can have a witness to my Shart, and what follows!
Funny as f**k, guys!
 

BillRayDrums

New member
Bong":13w6bq84 said:
stump":13w6bq84 said:
Oh the imfamous Shart!! Being a cop and having all of these fine truck stop eateries available on the grave yard shift, well let's just say that I have had some close calls. I am very grateful for having the lights and sirens that have saved me embarassment and humilty when I have the sweats due to a clincher. You know...driving 100 mph with one leg straight, sweating and cussing while clinching your cheeks!! Yep been there done that. Oh...and I don't like buffets myself. All of those strangers blowing their germs on the food and handling it with hands that were probably just digging in their ass or nose. Nope ...not for me. Peace on ya and your shorts!! :lol:
And the whole time PRAYING a cop doesn't get behind me and pull me over so I can have a witness to my Shart, and what follows!
Funny as f**k, guys!
haha cops Shart too!! Next time I get pulled over I'm breaching that subject. Chances are my happy personality will get me out of that if I make the cop laugh hard enough to well...shart!!

Thanks Stump I just found a "secret button" due to your candidness.

Oh and I just had the buffet. Spinach salad, Sweet potato/apple salad, egg drop soup, a slice of honey ham, piece of fried chicken, and a small piece of sugar free key lime pie. In other words- LOTSA SUBSTANCE AND FIBER.

No sharts today for me. :)
 

cableman26

New member
:lol: I had a stomach virus one time and dreamed I sharted, and when I woke up.... Well let's just say dreams do come true.
 
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