You perform as you practice. In other words, spend some dedicated time working on your grip on the practice pad. Until you have it down there, you won't have it down on stage or during band rehearsal. In order to get to that zone, everything has to be second nature and on auto-pilot. And that, requires ass-loads of practice hours.
That said, I highly recommend watching the Dom Famularo videos at the VicFirth.com Education Center.
"If the goal is for me to give up my reality for your reality, then the goal is for me to give up my self for your self--a goal I have to reject."